Survey Results Announced
Our fifteen-month survey and research project into Petting Zoo Trauma has drawn to a close. After reviewing and analysing all data, we have reached the following results.
1. How old were you when you were attacked and how old are you now?
Age at attack ranged upwards from 3 years old, with the highest concentration between the ages of 8 and 23. Current age varied as well, with respondents between the ages of 11 and 158. From the report made by the 158 year old, one can infer that Goat Trauma has been around for a number of years.
2. What was the duration of your attack?
This was perhaps the most surprising section of the results. The answers ranged from 0.1 hour to 999 hours, with an average attack duration of 33.546 hours. The majority of attacks were in the one to two hour range.
3. Was your attack witnessed by friends of family members?
The overwhelming number of attacks were witnessed.
3a. If Yes, did they help?
Unfortunately, most witnesses chose not to help.
3b. Did they laugh?
Yes, they did. This makes us sad.
3c. Are they still laughing?
They certainly are.
4. Do you suspect that goats are involved with Global Warming?
It would seem so.
5. What was the color and approximate size of your attacker?
Multi-colored goats are more dangerous than other colors.
Although the size categories may seem odd, they were the most frequently used by respondents. There seems to be an unusually large number of giant goats roaming the world.
6. Where you wearing man-made fibers at the time of your Trauma?
The answer to this question backs up previous findings that goats prefer synthetic fibers. If you must enter a goat infested area, wear only natural fibers.
7. Were you ostracized as a child because of your Goat Trauma?
A significant majority of Traumatees were ostracized. We are working to develop more Goat Trauma Awareness and Sensitivity training programs to help combat this.
8. Have you received therapy for your Trauma?
More respondents received therapy than not, but not as many as we would like or as probably should.
8a. If Yes, what kind (e.g. talk, play, shock, sex, etc.)?
8b. How would you describe your mental state before therapy?
8c. How would you describe your mental state after therapy?
These question also resulted in an interesting variety of answers. Shock and sex therapies predominated, sometimes separately, sometimes together. Based on the answers to questions 8b and 8c, most therapies noted by respondents did not appear to work. More research into recovery programs is needed.
9. Do you believe that goats have WMD?
9a. Do you believe that goats have WDM?
9b. Do you believe that goats have PCP?
9c. Do you believe that goats have DMW?
10. What do you think your response would be at witnessing someone's Goat Trauma taking place?
We wish the 'Help' column was taller.
11. Have you brought or will you bring small children to petting zoos yourself?
12. Do you think your attacker was under mind control by Ross Perot?
12a. Do you think Ross Perot is being controlled by goats?
13. Do you feel that you have recovered from your Trauma?
13a. If not, do you feel you ever will?
14. Do you feel that your Goat Trauma has limited you in any way?
15. What advice would you give to a recent Goat Traumatee?
Here is a selection of answers to this question. These answers will be used in the development of treatment programs.
You're Not Alone
Just try to keep living a regular life as best you can
Please seek help soon, your experience will help others to act accordingly.
stay away from goats and places where goats may be lurking and seek mental help to learn how to cope
You should get a pony. They can bite, but are not the evil creatures goats are. Don't go near a goat. I have purchased a goat reflector which tells me when goats are around. I bought it from australia
Don't look into their eyes
back away from the goats
Don't give up
Don't get sexual therapy
Buy paper bag for head...
don't let them get you down
Never fight a land war in Asia
one day at a time
Kill the goat and eat it then wear its flesh
Start drinking, you will be later anyway
Do not break in to a petting zoo after hours while naked in order to...err...umm..."pet" some goats. They don't like "that".
Be aware that until we erradicate the goat menace we will never be free.
Convince yourself that life will eventually go on. It's better to live a lie than to not live at all.
never turn your back on a monkey
wear a cup
Don't eat yellow snow. Ever.
stop, drop and roll
chant "Goat! Goat! You're A Goat!" everytime you think you feel a goaty presence
Closets are safe
Get a large dog.
never get toward goats that are rabid (obviously).
Run and poop in a circle!
Dont be scurred
Dont let them escape--we have to hunt them down!
hold hands when you cross the street
16. Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Our favorite part of the survey. Below are a few choice answers from this section.
Ponies are nice
Thanks for your website, it made me feel that I belong.
I believe goats are responsible for mad cow disease
the penquins are psychotic
Fuck Goats! Those bitches...
AS a large commercial goat dairy, I find your website highly offensive, grossly missleading, and in poor taste. I know you are just trying to sell something with this gimmick. Grow up.
It has been 6 years from the horrible goat bashing, and i'll never be the same, but I am taking it one day at a time. Thank you for all your help and support. I am glad that there are others out there
We have three goats inhabiting an old barn on our property - it limits are ability to effectively utilize the space and operate our farm
Always prefer sheep
Goats are going to Hell!
I feel like I'm being watched...
Beware of armadillos!!!!!!!!
don't pleasure goats ;-)
Goats are evil!
It was a llama that attacked me btw... not a goat. But also, camels are really dangerous too as one stuck its neck through our car window on safari, and basically squashed me in the backseat =P
Ihate gaots and there next of kin----deersticies
still suffer from phantom erections, from goats cheese etc
Goats are not our friends.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.
Yes, I am thinking of filing a law suit against you,your website and its creators for falsifing information against goats.
my daughters mother was also a goat.
i hate goats.
I am still mentally scarred....
the numbers are growing fast and we must put an end to it
Goats have an uncanny liking for preserved chinese meats
I am attacked on a daily basis by goats. Anytime I am holding a bucket I am in danger.
when goats are outlawed,only outlaws will have goats
I love my goats, they are funny. We have built "Goatatraz" to keep them away from us. It didn't work.
I like pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah yeah hehehe
Dont be scurred! I allready told u that!!!!!
Never turn your back on a goat.I want to start an orginization to kill all goats--they are spawns of hell!
never eat yellow snow
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